Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
