apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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