I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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