Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
