Where did you get a picture of my penis
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
