he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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