I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
