Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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