My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
