last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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