I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
