She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
two words: eviction party
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
