U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
