I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
