there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's blow job season.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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