the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
