The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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