She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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