do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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