i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
