He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
