All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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