I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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