My liver just broke up with me...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dicks are not precious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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