nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Did I show you my penis last night?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
