guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
