I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
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I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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