My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
