Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
