my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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