Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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