I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
