sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
