I think im going to throw up on grandma
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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