I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
