there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
