I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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