So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
