He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
