Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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