I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need a beard to bite.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
