Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
