seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i out mim tonsoeep
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