I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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