One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
