I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
