I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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