I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
