I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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