my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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