Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize