That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
