maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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