is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
