I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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