I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
