I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Found the puke drawer
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
